Wednesday, July 13, 2011

what a difference a year makes ...

So i want to tell this story just because i hope sharing it will help at least one other person understand that happy endings do exist. I hope i don't sound condescending or patronizing because at no point is that intended, this is just me telling you the journey we took to get my beautiful baby boy. I also know there are many many others out there who's journeys have been much harder & longer than mine. 

This was me a year ago (literally a year ago) ... vacationing in the south of france with some of my favourite people. 

I was relaxed & happy, partly because you know i was in the south of france, i mean who can't enjoy that but also because i'd given up on the idea of having a baby.  I was no longer absolutely certain what day of the month it was, i didn't know wonder in the days before my period was due if this was "the month". It was an emotional roller coaster to say the least & being at the end of it was an amazing feeling. 

rewind 3 years & i married the man of a my dreams (ok maybe not my dreams but the guy i love with all my heart) & 1 month later, as we were getting ready to pcs i discovered i was pregnant. & yes it was a shock i mean we'd been married a whole month & we were moving to a new country & there was a baby on the way. Well once i got used to the idea i was pretty excited. But honestly looking back i can tell you i never really felt very pregnant, yes there were signs but nothing that stood out except i hated the smell of corn nuts. Well we went to hear the babies heartbeat for the first time & there wasn't one. Here i am in a new country, i knew no one & they were telling me my baby had died. I had a "missed miscarriage" & required surgery. It was a pretty tough time for me & my husband. 

So we made it through christmas & all i cared about was trying for another baby. It felt like it would make everything better. Honestly i can tell you it doesn't & whatever we were doing wasn't working. & it sucked ... it sucked because i knew i could get pregnant (& there wasn't anything abnormal in my pregnancy it just didn't work) but it wasn't happening. So then the stress sets in & as anyone who's ever had problems trying to get pregnant can tell you we know stressing won't make it easier but it's hard not to. I mean this is, in theory what my bodies design to do ... right?

After a year i saw a doctor & we were told we could be referred off base for infertility treatment. & then my husband deployed so everything was put on hold until his return that spring. I can honestly say not thinking about it was wonderful for me. So he returns & we tried the whole deployment sperm thing ... no luck ... so off we go to the doctors. He has to do his thing into various cups & i have had more ultrasounds, blood tests & "exams" than i care to remember. The result of all this was cysts on my ovaries & a blockage in one of my tubes for which i required surgery. So one laparoscopy later they added endometriosis to the list & informed me "the best cure is to get pregnant". Oh the irony of infertility! 

So we tried 3 IUI's non of which worked ... & honestly i hated it. I hated that i was having to inject a hormone on a certain day, that this wasn't how i dreamed of having kids & of how out of control i felt as far as my body was concerned. & then when all 3 failed & they informed us IVF was out only option ... well emotionally i wasn't doing so good. Not that i would really talk about it but you can imagine these are not the words any woman wants to hear. Oh & i was the healthiest i had been for at least 12 years, i don't smoke & i rarely drink (although i do love me a margarita). 

I should say for the record now if you know anyone having trouble conceiving please please don't tell them how easy it was for you, to "stop trying" because trust me that's incredible hard to do & that it will "just happen". We don't want to hear this, we don't need to hear this & if you're our friends you will just be there when we need you.

So we stopped ... i wanted my body back, i needed to just be me for a while. To love life again & enjoy my husband. & i focused on my photography & spending time with the people i loved ... including a girls vacation! I should just mention we had some wonderful discussions on our vacation concerning positions & cassie was kind enough to demonstrate a couple (yes i went there)! & laughed & it felt wonderful to be me again!

So i return from france & my husband is in the midst of a major base exercise, working nights, so we barely see each other ... but well it turns out we saw enough of each other. The planets had aligned or something & that week ... no joke ... i knew. I knew my body inside out, back to front & upside down by this point & something was different ... there were signs ... signs that scared the sh!t out of me. I mean what if i was wrong, what if i was getting excited about nothing. So i refused to do a pregnancy test though obviously that wasn't going to help. 

& there was crying ... not my husband who was at work he just said "well that's good then" ... but me crying, telling my best friend here who was the only person i'd told about the test. Well actually telling her husband to tell her "yes" cause she was in the shower. & then crying when the doctors called with my pregnancy test result to say that yes i was pregnant. & crying when i heard my son's heart beat & saw his ultrasound (which by the way was the only day to my memory i have ever had high blood pressure). 
I can't lie ... physically my pregnancy was easy, the worst part was the round ligament pain around 4 months. But emotionally it sucked, i was worried constantly that something would go wrong. I quit running because i was scared & tired & didn't want to risk it ... & yes i packed on the pounds. & i turned 30.  My baby grew inside me, big & healthy & my baby because the "lil dude" &had 10 fingers & 10 toes. & i could feel him move, & he got the hiccups all the time. & i loved him. From the moment i knew i was pregnant i loved him. 

& he was late ... now i know you don't want to hear about the birth but if you have to be induced, let me tell you pertocin is the devil. It is an evil evil substance. Don't try & be brave & not take the drugs ... get that epidural because it is amazing. Oh & to all those crazy people out there who don't remember the pain ... trust me i will never forget the pain. But it was worth it looking at my gorgeous, precious baby boy! 

He is now 12 weeks old ... & whilst i honestly hope no one has to go through this experience the end result is something i wouldn't change for anything. & the pain & the sleepless nights & everything else in between are nothing compared to that feeling i felt when my son was born & yes i cried & loved him more than i thought possible. He is the most perfect thing i have ever done & as my friend pointed out his is totally "worth the wait". 


  1. Laura, you are amazing...we also had a misscarriage before Aurelia came always opens doors when we least expect it, and you are so right, all the ups and downs and SLEEPLESS NIGHTS are totally worth it! Keep rocking sista!

  2. beautiful story my sweet friend... i had no idea what you'd been through, it must have been quite hard! but now that is past and little jacob is here to brighten your days and make you laugh (eventually he will make you cry as well!) :) here to a happy family & happy days... happy conquests!
    you deserved this! have a lovely day! hugs, twiggs

  3. def worth the wait. thanks for sharing, I'm sure this will give hope to others out there that are going through the same thing.

  4. Sharon say's:

    Laura, you are one brave lady... and you are an amazing mommy. You are a very strong person and a a deep one too. Yes life can be tricky but in the end you won the war you have one perfect little dude , so beautiful so prescious....Don't worry about sleepless nigth that's just a few .. their will be much more coming over the years , and it's all part of the whole loving , caring to your lil dude... Keep it up super lady

    Miss you chica

  5. Yes, thanks for sharing. Even if it only helps one person in this wide world it was worth telling your story.
    Glad you are lucky to have this baby boy in your life.

  6. I would like to apologize because I met you at the community center while browsing through your lovely photos. I am apologizing for bringing up "Now I lay me down to sleep". Your have had a hard journey to make this amazing baby boy. I am sorry if talking to you about that if it made you uncomfortable or sad at all. You are an phenomenal photographer and I ment no disrespect. I am so happy for you and your very adorable happy ending.

  7. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I agree totally that friends need to just be there, and not tell people what to do or how to feel. I've found that the best thing anyone can say is "wow, that really sucks" and of course a hug doesn't hurt. I am so happy for you guys and your beautiful baby boy. It gives me hope knowing that things worked out for you.

  8. Love you Laura. You and your baby boy are made for each other.

  9. thank you ladies for your incredible kind words ... as i hold my son i can't put into words how incredible blessed i feel. xx

  10. hello, i have found you through fpoe
    toutes mes félicitations ! your baby is so gorgeous :)

  11. Laura, there are tons of us out here who have been through your kind of emotional roller coaster and I personally know how it friggin sucks! We finally were able (after 3 IVF months) to have a baby girl. She is now 15 and let me tell you the high school years such again ... attitude, attitude. But ... I think what if she had never been here just how lonely and stale life would have been! Kids rock!
    Every story is different but the emptiness you felt is the same for any couple who have had or are having trouble. Thanks for sharing! I have enjoyed all your photos of your baby and I know there will be many more ... looking forward to them! Peace to you, your hubby and your miracle little boy!

  12. oh laura, i teared up reading this! i had no idea you were going through this struggle and i'm so so so happy that you got your happy ending! love you!

  13. How brave of you to share this! You rock. And I LOVE that picture of Jacob. :)

  14. You are a brave must be hard not to give up. I am not sure I can ever have a child and my cousin has been through similar issues as yours before her twins were born last year. It's wonderful to see your little boy and know everything has turned full circle for you. I am so, so happy for your family!! xo Mary