what a difference a year makes ...

So i want to tell this story just because i hope sharing it will help at least one other person understand that happy endings do exist. I hope i don't sound condescending or patronizing because at no point is that intended, this is just me telling you the journey we took to get my beautiful baby boy. I also know there are many many others out there who's journeys have been much harder & longer than mine. 

This was me a year ago (literally a year ago) ... vacationing in the south of france with some of my favourite people. 

I was relaxed & happy, partly because you know i was in the south of france, i mean who can't enjoy that but also because i'd given up on the idea of having a baby.  I was no longer absolutely certain what day of the month it was, i didn't know wonder in the days before my period was due if this was "the month". It was an emotional roller coaster to say the least & being at the end of it was an amazing feeling. 

rewind 3 years & i married the man of a my dreams (ok maybe not my dreams but the guy i love with all my heart) & 1 month later, as we were getting ready to pcs i discovered i was pregnant. & yes it was a shock i mean we'd been married a whole month & we were moving to a new country & there was a baby on the way. Well once i got used to the idea i was pretty excited. But honestly looking back i can tell you i never really felt very pregnant, yes there were signs but nothing that stood out except i hated the smell of corn nuts. Well we went to hear the babies heartbeat for the first time & there wasn't one. Here i am in a new country, i knew no one & they were telling me my baby had died. I had a "missed miscarriage" & required surgery. It was a pretty tough time for me & my husband. 

So we made it through christmas & all i cared about was trying for another baby. It felt like it would make everything better. Honestly i can tell you it doesn't & whatever we were doing wasn't working. & it sucked ... it sucked because i knew i could get pregnant (& there wasn't anything abnormal in my pregnancy it just didn't work) but it wasn't happening. So then the stress sets in & as anyone who's ever had problems trying to get pregnant can tell you we know stressing won't make it easier but it's hard not to. I mean this is, in theory what my bodies design to do ... right?

After a year i saw a doctor & we were told we could be referred off base for infertility treatment. & then my husband deployed so everything was put on hold until his return that spring. I can honestly say not thinking about it was wonderful for me. So he returns & we tried the whole deployment sperm thing ... no luck ... so off we go to the doctors. He has to do his thing into various cups & i have had more ultrasounds, blood tests & "exams" than i care to remember. The result of all this was cysts on my ovaries & a blockage in one of my tubes for which i required surgery. So one laparoscopy later they added endometriosis to the list & informed me "the best cure is to get pregnant". Oh the irony of infertility! 

So we tried 3 IUI's non of which worked ... & honestly i hated it. I hated that i was having to inject a hormone on a certain day, that this wasn't how i dreamed of having kids & of how out of control i felt as far as my body was concerned. & then when all 3 failed & they informed us IVF was out only option ... well emotionally i wasn't doing so good. Not that i would really talk about it but you can imagine these are not the words any woman wants to hear. Oh & i was the healthiest i had been for at least 12 years, i don't smoke & i rarely drink (although i do love me a margarita). 

I should say for the record now if you know anyone having trouble conceiving please please don't tell them how easy it was for you, to "stop trying" because trust me that's incredible hard to do & that it will "just happen". We don't want to hear this, we don't need to hear this & if you're our friends you will just be there when we need you.

So we stopped ... i wanted my body back, i needed to just be me for a while. To love life again & enjoy my husband. & i focused on my photography & spending time with the people i loved ... including a girls vacation! I should just mention we had some wonderful discussions on our vacation concerning positions & cassie was kind enough to demonstrate a couple (yes i went there)! & laughed & it felt wonderful to be me again!

So i return from france & my husband is in the midst of a major base exercise, working nights, so we barely see each other ... but well it turns out we saw enough of each other. The planets had aligned or something & that week ... no joke ... i knew. I knew my body inside out, back to front & upside down by this point & something was different ... there were signs ... signs that scared the sh!t out of me. I mean what if i was wrong, what if i was getting excited about nothing. So i refused to do a pregnancy test though obviously that wasn't going to help. 

& there was crying ... not my husband who was at work he just said "well that's good then" ... but me crying, telling my best friend here who was the only person i'd told about the test. Well actually telling her husband to tell her "yes" cause she was in the shower. & then crying when the doctors called with my pregnancy test result to say that yes i was pregnant. & crying when i heard my son's heart beat & saw his ultrasound (which by the way was the only day to my memory i have ever had high blood pressure). 

I can't lie ... physically my pregnancy was easy, the worst part was the round ligament pain around 4 months. But emotionally it sucked, i was worried constantly that something would go wrong. I quit running because i was scared & tired & didn't want to risk it ... & yes i packed on the pounds. & i turned 30.  My baby grew inside me, big & healthy & my baby because the "lil dude" &had 10 fingers & 10 toes. & i could feel him move, & he got the hiccups all the time. & i loved him. From the moment i knew i was pregnant i loved him. 

& he was late ... now i know you don't want to hear about the birth but if you have to be induced, let me tell you pertocin is the devil. It is an evil evil substance. Don't try & be brave & not take the drugs ... get that epidural because it is amazing. Oh & to all those crazy people out there who don't remember the pain ... trust me i will never forget the pain. But it was worth it looking at my gorgeous, precious baby boy! 

He is now 12 weeks old ... & whilst i honestly hope no one has to go through this experience the end result is something i wouldn't change for anything. & the pain & the sleepless nights & everything else in between are nothing compared to that feeling i felt when my son was born & yes i cried & loved him more than i thought possible. He is the most perfect thing i have ever done & as my friend pointed out his is totally "worth the wait".