so today is a bad bad day ... & right now i keep trying to start a sentence to explain it but it's hard. & i need to vent but now isn't the time for venting, especially to the people i love who's lives have been turned upside down today. But my head is spinning & i can't shut down so please exscuse the bluntness because i need to do something to get these things out my system ... this is my something!
A guy from my husbands last squadron killed himself today. He was a wonderful guy. I didn't know him well but he was close to many of my close friends. It was a small close need squadron, we all partied together, we spent every weekend together. I miss it. & he was a part of it. & important to people i love.
10 years ago on saturday (wow) someone i loved dearly killed themselves. I've spent 10 years coming to terms with this, understanding it & accepting that whilst i firmly believe this is the most selfish act a human can do (sorry if i offend anyone it's not intended) i have accepted this is the choice he made & i can maybe start to forgive him. Now this may sound selfish on my part but it tore me up in ways i can't describe. & i understand that things are obviously not right but there is always someone you can turn to & it makes me so so angry.
I am now watching (from a distance which sucks even more) people i love try to deal with everything they are feeling, & i honestly understand 90% of what it is their going through but i can't do anything & that's frustrating & painful for me.
So here i am venting because i have no clue what to say or do ... because from my experience there was nothing that did. You trust someone & love them with all your heart & they take the easy way out when things get tough. & you end up loosing sight of the things that made them special to you in the first place because they destroyed everything you thought you had.