Wednesday, April 14, 2010


so today is a bad bad day ... & right now i keep trying to start a sentence to explain it but it's hard. & i need to vent but now isn't the time for venting, especially to the people i love who's lives have been turned upside down today. But my head is spinning & i can't shut down so please exscuse the bluntness because i need to do something to get these things out my system ... this is my something!

A guy from my husbands last squadron killed himself today. He was a wonderful guy. I didn't know him well but he was close to many of my close friends. It was a small close need squadron, we all partied together, we spent every weekend together. I miss it. & he was a part of it. & important to people i love.

10 years ago on saturday (wow) someone i loved dearly killed themselves. I've spent 10 years coming to terms with this, understanding it & accepting that whilst i firmly believe this is the most selfish act a human can do (sorry if i offend anyone it's not intended) i have accepted this is the choice he made & i can maybe start to forgive him. Now this may sound selfish on my part but it tore me up in ways i can't describe. & i understand that things are obviously not right but there is always someone you can turn to & it makes me so so angry.

I am now watching (from a distance which sucks even more) people i love try to deal with everything they are feeling, & i honestly understand 90% of what it is their going through but i can't do anything & that's frustrating & painful for me.

So here i am venting because i have no clue what to say or do ... because from my experience there was nothing that did. You trust someone & love them with all your heart & they take the easy way out when things get tough. & you end up loosing sight of the things that made them special to you in the first place because they destroyed everything you thought you had.


  1. wow im so sad for you, i hope things get better for you and your family.

  2. So sorry you are having a rough time. :( Sometimes these things seem to come in waves.

  3. i'm so sorry laura! i feel your pain in your post & glad you released some of it by sharing. i've lost someone i loved in that way too & know the pain is muddied by anger. you say "the easy way out" but really try to remember it probably wasn't so. it must be an awful experience to feel so trapped that you believe that's all you can do. don't lose sight of what you had because that one awful act does not define the relationship that once was. please take care of yourself in any way you can.... pat

  4. laura, this is so sad... and i am so sorry for you and your friends. you're right, there's nothing anyone can do or say to make it better. i'm glad you're starting to come to terms with it, i can't imagine how difficult it must be. *hugs* i'll be thinking of you.

  5. Laura I am so sorry you're going through this again, from a distance, but still... I won't try to make you see what they've done as probably being the only "out" for them, but I will say this, try to banish your anger. If they were ever important to you, then at least let them remain a positive thought in your heart, rather then anger. Just focus on all the good you had with them! Big hugs my darling. xo

  6. thanks for all your kind words ... & the old cliches still apply & as as much as hated them being thrown at meal time does heal a lot. But there are moments when something will bring back all those emotions as if it only happened yesterday. I'm sad for my friends who are having to experience this, & in a way that's so impersonal as it's through the internet that we connect. But they're strong people who will find a way through it & come out the other side better for it. Suicide is a very really fact of life & particuarly so in the military, i can only hope that this tragic even will help someone else out there realize it's not a solution, & that peace & happiness can be found through the people we love. xx